For the last year or so, I have had conversations with single women friends (25 and above) and been on WA groups for single women.
And some things stand out so much!!
Things I wish women friends told their friends:
1. What do you bring to the table?
Too many women move around with checklists of demands. They are not looking for a person. They are looking for a buffet of their selected items.
But when I ask them what they bring to the table, the blank stare is too loud to ignore. They never even think about what they bring to the table!! Like, the idea doesn't occur to them!
The follow-up question, sadly, does not even make it past my lips - Is what you bring to the table the same as what he values If not, why should he want you?
2. What do you do for them?
Yeah, this idea of the guy doing all the work - when did this come about, exactly? If you don't do things for each other, how will you know how he accepts loving? Is that what you want? So many women wait until they are girlfriends to start doing nice things for their man. THEN, they realise that the person has no idea how to accept love. Or surprises. Its virgin territory to them. (pun intended)
Yesterday, a young person (male) said that they are not investing more in a relationship because they want to not be affected by the moods of another person. And i thought - that's what this has come to? That i will be affected by her moods, so let me stay emotionally away? What happened to doing things with and for each other? You adjust a little, i do too, and together, we create a space for both of us. Idyllic, yes, but is that really completely impossible now?
3. Yes, you will both be attracted to other people. Set your not negotiables.
I find women go on and on about being attracted to other men or meeting friends who are obv interested in them, but get triggered when the men do the same.
Actual quote from a single women's group:
"How can he text other women while he is talking to me? And how can he tell me about it? That's so disrespectful!"
He is not committed to you. You are both fishing. Putting an exclusivity clause at this stage is self-limiting and unfair.
4. Read Transaction Analysis and understand positive strokes.
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There is a LOT that has changed for the better since my time in the (happy?) dating valley. Women have learnt to respect their decisions, they have stopped looking at a relationship as a personal validation. But there are also things that gently erode the depth of a relationship in very covert ways. And perhaps, it is time to swing the dial from extreme individualism to shared responsibility for relationships. Where people don't approach relationships with a Whats-In-It-For-Me mindset, but also think about the space they are going to be building with another person - a person who is unlike them, but is valued enough for that dissimilarity to be less important.
